This is an expansion of a post I wrote in October 2017 on another platform. It is still relevant, so I’m sharing it here. It’s not specifically about understanding behavior patterns in the SCA; this is more of homework/food for thought post about what people can do on their own to help facilitate change.
Absolute Thinking:
Often we are quick to hear or read a story about a problem and react with something like, “Those people are terrible! I am good! We need to get rid of the terrible people!”
Or maybe we think, “Hey wait a second, I have done that thing before, but I am not one of those terrible people! Stop attacking me!”
But reality is rarely that simple. People are not just one thing. A single person can be kind, mean, charming, talented, terrifying, and brutal. Like a cube perceived from different angles, we will show different sides of ourselves to different people at different times. Sometimes we accidentally enable other people’s bad behavior, even if we are not doing The Terrible Thing ourselves. (For example, laughing at domestic violence jokes.) The single biggest change you can make to benefit other people is to consider how YOU may be exhibiting or enabling part of the problem.
With the #metoo posts making the rounds, I saw a lot of responses that said:
“I believe you. What can I do to help?”
This is a seriously loaded question. When it comes to actually believing that someone we know and like has done bad things, we consistently react with denial. After all, our brains are wired to extrapolate from our own experiences, and that person has always seemed like such a nice person to us! We tend to think of people and situations in terms of absolutes: good or bad, right or wrong, lawful or criminal, shining exemplary role model or horrendous murdering troll. But real people aren’t roleplaying characters bound by a chosen alignment. They can set a great example that inspires people in one area while being aggressively terrifying in another area. How can we distill that down into one thing? That’s a hard problem, and there’s no easy answer because we have no real control over other people. We can’t know or change what’s happening inside their heads.
On the other hand, here’s something you have complete control over:
Be willing to stop and consider your own words and actions when someone asks you to or when you read an article about something problematic.
When someone tells you that you have pushed a boundary or made them uncomfortable, BELIEVE THEM. Don’t immediately start denying it and defending yourself because you don’t think of yourself that way. That’s not the point. (It’s okay to have these thoughts inside your head as your initial reaction. What you do after that, and the words that you let out of your head where people can hear/read them, are what matter here.)
If I tell you something you did made me feel bad, it doesn’t mean I think you wanted to make me feel bad. I’m not calling you a bad person; I’m trying to get you to understand how my brain responded to your input so we can talk about it, figure out what happened, and work out a way to prevent it from happening again.
This is not always all on you:
When something is not a topic or behavior commonly known to be problematic, it might mean the first step is for the hurt person to tell you, “Hey, this particular thing is a problem for me because of special circumstances.” Then both of you can talk about it and try to understand the other’s perspective. After that, try to figure out what could be done differently to avoid causing the problem.
Often the solution can be as simple as agreeing to give the person a warning when the special thing is going to happen so they can choose whether to stay or step out for a bit. That’s not asking that much once you know this thing hurts them, is it? Many of us are actively trying to improve our reactions to trauma triggers. Sometimes we need your help to control our exposure until we’ve got a better handle on it. That might mean asking for a warning so we can prepare or leave the room… It doesn’t have to mean banning you from ever doing the thing.
Other times, maybe it is all on you. Maybe you slipped back into old behavior and made a domestic violence joke, which is a topic you should already know is not okay. Or you may do something that you have already been asked not to do. Maybe you just forgot about the plan. Maybe you didn’t realize that what you did qualified as the Thing that hurts your friend. If it’s your mistake, what you need to do is own it, apologize, and try to change something going forward so you avoid repeating it. An apology without follow through is just empty words.
Just thinking “I’ll try not to piss people off” isn’t helpful because it does not address the underlying problem and often keeps people from speaking or doing things at all. Instead of simply turning your volume down, do the work to grow as a person: what led to you pissing people off this time? Identify that, and then you can try something new to prevent that situation.
If you’re not willing to put that work in, then stop asking what you can do to help. If you aren’t even prepared to examine your own behavior, how do you think you are going to be able to get others to change?
Simple Example:
Problem: I hugged someone thinking it was okay, and it turned out not to be and triggered a panic attack.
Cause: I misread social cues, or I didn’t realize they had a history that made them react poorly to unexpected contact, or another unknown factor made them just not able to handle hugs today.
Action I can take to prevent this situation in the future: With *everyone, offer a hug with words or gestures before physically going in for it, and let them accept or decline as they need.
*Note the action is not “do not hug that person without asking first.” I should try to address the underlying problem, not just the one specific issue. This often (but not always) means I can make a change to avoid the same problem happening again with anyone, not just the person who was hurt.
The change I can make in this example is affirmative communication — communicating either verbally or non-verbally before I make physical contact, which gives the other person a chance to prepare, accept, shift position to something they’re comfortable with, or decline.
The other person is still responsible for communicating their own boundaries, but you can give them the chance to do so by adding a step before the hug.
The example above is a common problem and a minor adjustment. Often we can adjust our behavior just a tiny bit and solve a problem that we didn’t know was there until someone brought it up. Sometimes it’s not that simple, and occasionally we hurt people enough that they have to walk away. We are human, and the only thing we can do is keep listening and trying to adapt.
If someone says you punched a button, please listen and ask gentle questions to try to understand what happened. That person may not be able to answer you right away, but making the effort is a good start. The more you do it, the better you will get at it, and it will make you a better friend. Everyone messes up sometimes. No one is perfect at communicating.
Think about whether you want to be the kind of person whose friends can say “hey, this bothered me” or the kind of person whose friends are too afraid to bring it up.
It’s not about labeling you a bad person. It’s about what you do after you know about the problem.
Smash the Shell 